I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize