I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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