The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
