On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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