Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize