I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
