So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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