Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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