Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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