Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
