I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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