God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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