I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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