Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
