Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
