You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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