Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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