I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i out mim tonsoeep
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