i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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