Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
