Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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