I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
