Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
