only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
