dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
