i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
