it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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