I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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