True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
