John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
