There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
