how can u be prego again
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
