Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize