Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
