New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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