I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
