just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
