I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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