I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
