i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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