I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
