dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
