he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
