Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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