He had one of those small greek statue penises
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
