Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
