Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
