Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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