I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
