I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
