his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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