Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He did a backflip because drugs
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