I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
