sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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