ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
