sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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