I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
