Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
