He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
