literally had 100 drinks last night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she pinky promised me she was 18
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
