Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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