I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He? As in you personified your dick?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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