My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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