can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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