NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
