I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
