As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
