Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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