..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
