You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
