The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
